dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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