I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
