I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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