you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
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