You really coming over, don't trick.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
