i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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