Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
where are you?
Hypothermia
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I'm too high and old for this...
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
