apparently the secret to your success is patron
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
