Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize
