he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
