I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
