Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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