we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
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