My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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