I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
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I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
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drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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