I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
