Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
So many bounce houses so little time
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
