I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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