You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
