the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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