I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
40s are totally the cure
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
