My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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