just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Randomize
