dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
You had me at "let me see your balls"
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
