The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
