I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
