I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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