There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
