I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
