OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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