I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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