I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
