Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
