what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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