theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
