She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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