I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
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