at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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