i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
