Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
