wrigley field is MILF paradise
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
