I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
