swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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