his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
