the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
