Betty ford says i'm here all night
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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