I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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