i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
