Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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