I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
