I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
