So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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