I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
