I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
