I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
