I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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