I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
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