PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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